Cosima Underwater

I have these wonderful jeans that not so long ago were very comfortable to wear. A month ago, I noticed that I have to wiggle a bit more to get them over my ass, and that stopping to breathe helps to close the button. The scale confirmed my fears, 3 kilos more - oops, how did that happen? - and most of it seems to have gathered in one area.

Women have the right to have a little padding on their hips, right? Especially if they had a baby and are past their 35th birthday. And what do you shake in front of men if you have no ass? The only problem is to get new jeans. A big-assed woman, one head taller than the rest of the women in Hong Kong, doesn’t have too many choices. I went shopping last week, and could only find pants that were either too tight around the hips or too wide around the waist. It was frustrating, no fun at all… the ass has to go… and who is designing these ridiculous jeans anyway?

Where was I? Aah yes, I wanted to boast about my new work-out regime that I actually enjoy doing. No measurable impact on the ass yet, but I am having fun. Every morning after I bring little man to the school bus, I walk up the mountain behind my house at a brisk pace. The first time I arrived at the top I could hardly breathe, but by now it’s quite easy to do. Last Friday, I arrived at the top and even thought that it had been a bit too easy, so I decided to walk further along a trail I had never tried before.

I am so glad that I did. It wasn’t an easy walk. The trail was narrow and slippery from a tropical downpour a few hours before, but at times it felt like walking through an enchanted forest. There were lots of sparkly dragonflies hovering above rain pools. Yellow butterflies with brown dots that looked a bit like enchanted leopards, and black ones that were so big that I first mistook them for birds. I crossed creeks and marveled at the vegetation around me. Lush, green, and still dripping from the rain in the morning. Trees standing so closely together that there was hardly any light on the ground, ferns with elegant long leaves, and beautiful blossoms in yellow, pink, and red. The trail went along a mountain range directly at the ocean, and at times the views were breath-taking, and bit vertigo inducing. Would they be able to find me, if I slip and roll down the 200 meter slope to the shore?

I made it home intact, and as I was standing under the shower to get off the mud and sweat, I was thankful that Hong Kong, more known for its skyscrapers, still has these wild places. I feel very fortunate to live right at the edge between concrete and jungle.

PS: I have just looked at my popo in the mirror, and I could swear it’s a tiny bit smaller.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter. We are still searching for that one chocolate egg, but I trust we will find it by Christmas.

I have been throwing away stuff today. I went through my closet, and threw away all the clothes I haven’t worn for at least two years. The yield was two big black garbage bags of clothes that I brought to the Samaritans’ collection container.  Then little man and I sorted out one big bag of toys. Next went one garbage bag of bed and table linen, some of it received as wedding gifts from a marriage that is on the brink of oblivion. But that isn’t all of it. There is a big plastic container of pregnancy clothes in the storage room that I need to throw out, because as things stand now number two is not likely to come anytime soon. Problem is, it’s hard to get to. The storage room is full of stuff, that is not really mine - my husband bought it - but why do I have to live with it? I feel buried in stuff, and I want it gone… like yesterday.

After all the throwing-away, I saw a TV program about hoarders. Boy… at least our mess is confined to closets and storage rooms, but seeing the program reinforced the need to lighten the load. Of course there is that slightly guilty feeling of “you are throwing away things that are perfectly fine” but “I don’t want to be buried in stuff, that I don’t use” is much stronger.

So I am going to continue the theme over the next couple of days. There are more of little man’s toys to sort through, stacks of Cosima Inc. papers, shoes I haven’t worn in years, and nick nack that just gathers dust. I want it all gone.

And then there is the stuff that my husband bought, and has promised to take away soon. The promise was made a few months ago. The stuff is still here. Twenty kilos of electrical cables , an air cleaner that was switched on only once, a hi-fi system too complicated to use, hard case suitcase too heavy to take anywhere, and and and…

I spent a lot of time in my flat. It is my home as well as my work place, and I feel increasingly unhappy about the chaos in the corners. It needs to go.

I can’t sleep. I am sitting on my balcony, listening to music, and playing around with photoshop. Can you see me?

Kashmir from No Quarter album by Jimmy Page and Robert Plant

I am sitting in a shiny new Porsche cabriolet. The car still has that new car smell, and it isn’t plastic smell but real leather smell. I am in Berlin. It’s a warm summer night. The roof of the car is down. I am looking up into the sky, and see trees framing the night sky, full of stars. Other cars are honking at me. I must have veered out of my lane. On the seat next to me is an empty child seat, and I am relieved that it is empty. I am relieved that I am alone in the car.

I am driving much too fast, and accelerate some more as I take a tight curve. I look into the rear view mirror and see myself wearing sun glasses, in the middle of the night. I keep thinking that I should take them off, but can’t bring myself to do it. It would be too much effort.

I am driving down Kurfuerstendamm, and lots of people walk on the sidewalks. For some reason, I only see happy couples hand-in-hand, and hookers, lots of hookers in neon pink mini skirts. I accelerate and marvel at the power of the car. A gentle tap with my foot, a fraction of a centimeter, brings the speed up to over 100 km/h.

It’s the end of the Kurfuerstendamm, and I am taking a wrong turn into the Autobahn exit, which will lead me against oncoming traffic. I realize it’s the wrong way, and I don’t want to die, but in my mind it feels like a task I have to do. I concentrate, as I normally do when I take the correct way. Slowly I drive along the tight spiral bend that leads down to the Autobahn. Suddenly, the short acceleration lane appears, and I stomp on the gas pedal to get the speed up. I feel the same nervousness, as I do when I drive there in reality, in the right direction. It’s a very short acceleration lane, and if there is a lot of traffic, you rely on people braking for you to let you in. It’s nerve wracking. It’s nerve wracking, I keep thinking. I am on the Autobahn now, driving the wrong way, a “ghost driver” as they are called in German. Very bright light shines into my eyes, blinding light. Then I wake up.

So that was my night. It feels like I am about to fall into a deep hole. Imaginary depression.

“There is nothing wrong with your life. Look at the people around you, who have real problems. For God’s sake… you need happiness pills!” That’s the advice I got last time. Basically a correct analysis, but it didn’t really help. It just hurt.

Thankfully, the sun is shining today. I took a long walk along the beach after I brought little man to the school bus. Yesterday evening, we read a very cute book about a boy who is afraid to go pee because of an imaginary loo monster. The book has a happy ending. The boy defeats the loo monster by boldly peeing on its head. I keep thinking that I have to do the same.

Nina Hagen & The Capital Dance Orchestra: Flat Foot Floogie

It must seem as I have fallen off the edge off the earth, but the truth is not even half as dramatic. Little man was sick and there was quite a lot to do for Cosima Inc. Whenever I sat down in front of the computer to write a blog post, I couldn’t find the energy to piece the words together. Instead I watched television. We subscribe to a broadband tv service, and they offer a wide choice of US, European, and Asian channels.

I am strangely fascinated by all the reality tv shows. There are tv shows about people trying to get their own businesses out of the red, about people sifting through the clutter of their homes, people slimming down, being better housewives, being better dads, renovating their homes, … etc, etc. It is always the same story. People start by being hopeless slobs and end up well-organized and pretty.

It’s nice to watch. Firstly it’s comforting to know that there are greater slobs out there than me, and secondly that there is always a happy ending… always. Some are harder to believe than others, but these tv shows are strangely comforting. Even if you are a slob, your children are little monsters, and your home is crumbling, there is hope.

I am also trying to ignore the Christmas theme springing up around me. This year, I just can’t take it. Luckily, in Hong Kong that’s easier to do than in Europe or America. I just wish my local supermarket would not play that tacky Christmas CD over and over.

The only Christmas stuff I am able to take are Christmas cooking shows. Seeing people that have never cooked before, creating a perfect family Christmas dinner is very comforting. I will survive Christmas, I will, I will… because I just need to smile and play along… I don’t need to cook dinner.

Hongkong’s English-language newspaper has a regular feature in its “Life” section, asking local fashion gurus what they have in their closets. Most interviewees brag about their Manolo Blahniks, which isn’t too interesting to read. If they had guts they would interview Birkenstock wearers like me…

Wardrobe staple?
Jeans. I own four pairs of identical jeans that fit well, look good, and are very comfortable to wear.

What would you never throw out of your closet?
I would throw out anything, but there are a few items I am very attached too. One is a black cashmere wool coat, which is at least fifteen years old. I like it’s cut very much, but sadly it has become very threadbare at the ends of the arms. I am constantly on the lookout for a similar coat that can replace it.

Fashion no-nos?
Isn’t everything allowed these days? I think women should wear what suits them and fits well. Unfortunately, that’s very hard to do. Many of the clothes in stores have been designed with malnourished teenagers in mind, and for larger sizes all that is done is to add a few extra inches of fabric all around. It’s no wonder that these clothes do not look good.

Must-have accessory?
My red wallet by Spanish leather goods maker Loewe. I bought it on impulse over ten years ago. Before, I owned dark colored wallets that I never managed to find quickly in my purse, and regularly fell apart after only a year. The red beauty was insanely expensive. I think at no point in time did it hold more money than it cost. However, after more than ten years of trusty service, I feel that the initial outlay has been amortized.

Shoe pick for the season?
Eh… the same pick as last year. Winter is coming up, and I hope I get to take out my boots out of their hiding-place under the bed. At the moment, it’s much to warm to wear them.

Favourite shoe designer?
Birkenstock. To my defense, I have to say that I wear the more feminine models. They are very comfortable and keep my feet healthy, but what is best is the cork material the soles are made of It keeps the feet cool in summer, which is so nice in Hong Kong’s hot and humid weather.

To all who say that Birkis are ugly…

…to get feet like these is much uglier.

Flats or stilettos?
Both. I wear flats when I have to walk a lot, and stilettos when I dress up.

Your best high-street steal?
Hmmm… I think that reduced 5er pack of bikini knickers was a great buy.

Bag pick for the winter?
I have to buy a new one. I had bought a brightly colored handbag from Nepal at a Berlin street market this summer, but it unravelled at the seams. It cost only ten Euros. At the moment, I am using a rather elegant black Coach bag, which I had bought ages ago for the office. Looks a bit ridiculous with jeans and Birkis.

Most cherished fashion items?
Lingerie. I love buying it, and I love putting it on because it puts me in a good mood. Also my sun glasses, because I look like a Bond girl when wearing them they shade my eyes from the merciless Hong Kong sun.

What do you buy every winter?
Paper tissues for the snivels.

What’s on your “most wanted” fashion list for winter?
A wool cap in which I don’t look like a complete dork, before I go to Germany for Christmas.

 Style icon?

I think Vivienne Westwood is pretty cool. First off, she has a face that reminds me of Maggie Thatcher’s, still she manages to portray the exact opposite image. That’s a feat in itself. Secondly, I get the feeling that she really understands the craft of tailoring, and designs with originality and wit.

High-end or high street?
I am thinking about putting up a PayPal-button in the sidebar for high-end fashion donations, or I could apply to become Karl’s next muse…
In the meantime, it’s the lower end of high street.

Personal style philosophy?
Both my mom and my grandmother were tailors, which doesn’t make me very knowledgeable about fashion, but I can appreciate the skill and experience that goes into a well designed and well sewn piece of clothing. There is a huge difference between a tailor-made garment, cut for your figure, and a ready-made piece. I can’t really afford to have tailor-made clothing, but I am pretty discerning about fit. I love to wear clothing that looks feminine and is comfortable at the same time.

Fashion disaster?
Shoes that looked and felt good when trying them in the shop, but caused lots of blisters later on… I have a few of those.

Favourite winter fashion accessories?

     ;D

Your fashion style?
Whatever Hennes & Mauritz has to offer with the occasional high-priced retail therapy item thrown in.

Wardrobe essentials?
Always make sure your fly is zipped before going out into the street. I think that’s pretty essential.

PS: The Chinese medicine helped. My cold isn’t gone completely, but I can breathe again.

The last few days were a challenge that stripped away self-delusions and brought out my inner core. There isn’t much left of it.

I have been in a marriage that developed from bad to worse over the last couple of years. If you asked me to explain why, I would have difficulties doing it. All I can see is that two very good people went through some rough patches in their lives, and instead of supporting each other, chose to bring each other down. There was no understanding for the other on either side. We have two very different worlds in our heads.

It didn’t help that family members meddled in our relationship from the beginning. I was typecast as an intruder to be suspicious of, and whenever I had different views or chose to do things differently than they would, I was looked down on and told how bad a person I am. When it first happened, I was stunned, to say the least.

I wouldn’t say that in my world there is no good and bad, but I understand that very often there are different ways of looking or doing something, and one doesn’t necessarily need to be better than the other. And although I suffer from that typical female affliction of wanting to please everyone and make them like me, there are areas were I am very stubborn and insist on my ways no matter what.

So what do you do, when your views don’t match, and no one compromises? When the initial butterfly stage is over, the weaknesses and strengths of a relationship become apparent. Over the last years, I have noticed how much compromise is necessary to keep this relationship afloat, and how much I have given up holding it together. I don’t blame my husband for it, it was my choice. I should not have done it.

The tragic in all of this is that the birth of our son was the catalyst of our problems. Before, we had two very independent lives, and were happy to share the bits that we had in common. Since the birth of our son, we needed to find common ground in more areas than before. That, together with the tasks of bringing up a child, having a close family member die of cancer, and making enough money to pay the bills has strained our relationship. There is very little understanding left on either side.

Our son has held us together up until recently. If it would not have been for him, I would have packed my bags long ago. We lived side by side, but not with each other.

Then my husband received a job offer in another country, which he couldn’t refuse, and asked me to move with him. I chose not to, because very little would have been left of me, if I had. I was accused of letting my son down, of making him suffer, of being selfish. The whole family from his side joined in, and I felt like being tied to a ship’s mast in gale force winds.

The good thing is that, although things came to a head, for the first time in years, we are talking about our relationship. Something I tried to do for all of the last year with minimal results.

I don’t know where all of this will lead to. On the risk of sounding indeed very selfish, I am going to concentrate on getting my life back to something I can be proud of and happy with, and I think that will be better for little man as well.

PS: Anon, As you can see, I have accepted your challenge. I don’t know what made me change my mind, but writing about it, felt very good.

Yippee! Cosima Inc.’s website is live and running, and – oh wonder – hasn’t crashed or being hacked into… yet. High time to reemerge from the world of geeks and nerds.

To get into the habit again, I am going to start light with a meme stolen from the queen of memes, Lime.

1. Name six things in your refrigerator

-12 brown eggs

- 3 red chili

- 8 Thai limes

- medium cut orange marmalade by Wilkin & Sons Ltd. (“by appointment to her Majesty the Queen jam and marmalade manufacturers.”… she’s got excellent taste, if I may say so)

- leftover potato soup

- half a bottle of low calorie tonic water

100 bloggy points for whoever can make a tasty three course meal out of it!

2. Name six things in your freezer

- 5 tubes of frozen “Go-gurt”

- small package of freeze-dried yogurt cultures for making home-made yogurt

- 2 bags of raspberries

- a loaf of rye bread

- bag of peas

- lots of frost… need to de-ice it

3. Name six things under your kitchen sink

- a pink plastic bucket, because it leaks

- a year-worth of supply of big black garbage bags. They must have been on special.

- Windex for cleaning our glass dining table.

- Cif… “powerful cream cleanser with fresh lemon scent”

- electric iron, which gets used only once in a full moon

- messy collection of shopping bags

4. Name six things around your computer

- my favorite mug, which has a lobster, coral, and fish décor, half-filled with cold coffee

- my mobile phone

- a “Flying Bird” calculator

- a picture of a heart with a smiley face and giant ears, drawn by little man

- “I love you” sticker, written by little man as well

-two security number generators for internet banking, one gray (Cosima Inc.) the other black (personal). It’s a convenient system, if you don’t misplace them…

5. Name six things in your medicine cabinet

Hmmm… let’s see

- SK-II signs eye mask… I have told you before about my strange habit of buying expensive sake cream, haven’t I?

- Clinique super-balanced make-up “Alabaster”

- Bulgari’s “Notte” perfume

- tampons

- a six year-old used pregnancy test with a plus sign… obviously, I cleaned it after using it

6. Name six things on or around your nightstand

I don’t have a nightstand. My bedroom is very small. On the floor between the wall and the bed lie:

- Weird and Wonderful, a book little man has rented from the library with lots of curious facts about wildlife.

- a bottle of water

- adapter and cable for my notebook

- the remote control for the air-con unit…. I always knew that it would eventually turn up again!

I view life as a mix of going with the flow and occasionally stepping back, assessing, and adjusting course. It’s quite a change from a few years back, when I thought that life is best steered with sheer will power and forging ahead without looking left or right.

It is something my son taught me. When I was pregnant with him, I thought that I could do it all: work in a demanding job and be a good mommy, but experience has told me otherwise. I stepped back and set priorities, and the number one priority was and still is my son. I also decided to see where life would take me next.

I am very grateful for the change I was forced to make, because I don’t think I would have been happy, if life had just continued as before. I call it my early mid-life crisis, and I am glad that it came when I was thirty and not forty-five.

Hong Kong is such a business and work-oriented city, and it is very easy to get sucked into this race for more money, a better career, or the next big deal. But then, once in a while, you have to ask yourself, if these things are really worth the time and effort, you invest into them, and more importantly what you loose while pursuing them.

Still, most of us have to earn money, and I am no exception. I am also someone who gets extremely unhappy when I am not financially independent. A former colleague of mine told me, half-jokingly but still with longing eyes, that she would like to be a tai tai, which is the Cantonese term for being the wife of a very wealthy man. “I want to have high tea at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel with girl-friends, instead of going back to work after lunch”. I have nothing against chatting away the afternoon at the Mandarin Oriental, but I would like to pay the bill with my own credit card.

So the goal for the next few months, especially now that my son started school and I have more time, is to make Cosima Inc into a business with a regular income stream, but still not loose sight of the fact that life should be fun. I think it’s achievable, especially the fun part, because having your own business affords a lot of freedoms that are not there when you work for someone else.

1. I have so loved your posts on German and Hong Kong culture and history. What do you love most and what do you dislike most about each place and how did you end up in Hong Kong?

I went to Hong Kong pretty much on a whim after I had finished my university degree in London. I didn’t have a job offer, and was not sure if I would stay for long. I will never forget the first day in Hong Kong. I was badly jet lagged, but the city had such vibrancy that I couldn’t stop walking through the streets and taking it all in. During the first few months I sent out hundreds of job applications, but didn’t have much luck. Most foreigners who work here were transferred within their organizations, and a German applying for a job directly in Hong Kong was out of the ordinary. But just as my tourist visa was about to expire, one of the companies I had applied to and interviewed with offered me a position, and I have been here ever since.

What do I love about Hong Kong? The vibrancy of the street life, just taking a stroll through any of the old neighborhoods at any time of the day is an experience. There are always people on the street, and there is always something interesting to see. The food! Eating out is an integral part of Hong Kong’s culture. From small hole-in-the-wall take-aways to multi-storey restaurants, from the local Cantonese cuisine to delicacies from all around the world, everything is available. I also love the enterprising spirit of Hongkongers. There are so many small shops, restaurants, and companies in Hong Kong, started by people with can-do attitude, and it gives the city an incredible level of energy.

What I don’t like is the slavish adherence to progress, or what is perceived as such. For me progress is a rise in quality of life, and that can’t be achieved by simply building new skyscrapers or shopping malls. However, people’s attitudes are beginning to change more and more. They worry about preservation of their cultural heritage and the environment. I just wish the government here would pay more attention to their concerns.

Berlin is my home city, so I am terribly biased, but I love that the city has its own way. If you travel around Germany and as your last stop go to Berlin, you notice it immediately. It’s not tidy, it’s not terribly pretty – although it has some wonderful areas - , and Berliners can sometimes be extremely straight-forward … ok, rude. But the city ticks to its own beat, and that’s wonderful.

It comes from a mix of different attitudes, I suppose. Firstly, Berliners have a big dose of stoicism (“Uns kann jarnischt”- Nothing can really touch us), which comes from the city’s turbulent history, and that it has survived through it all. Secondly, Berliners are a pretty tolerant bunch. It’s a good place to start something new and out of the ordinary, because chances are that Berliners will not only let you, but also protect it. Thirdly, having money doesn’t necessarily earn you respect in Berlin. So a Gucci handbag won’t buy you any cloud. People will know immediately that you are a) probably from Munich and b) have serious self-esteem issues. Which btw is the direct opposite to Hong Kong, where the right brand name handbag makes the girl.

What I don’t like about Berlin is the passive attitude of some of its people. Berliners are good at complaining about how hard their life is, and blaming others for it. Sometimes I just want to scream to their faces that they live in unbelievable luxury and comfort compared to most other people on this planet, and that it’s no use blaming others for something they have to change themselves.

2. What place in the world have you not yet been to that you are dying to see and experience and why that place?

There are many places I haven’t yet seen and would love to visit. But there is one very special place that I hope to see soon and that is Burma. All I have read about the country, about its culture, the diversity of its landscape, about its history and people, have been incredibly interesting and have wet my appetite. However, I have made the pledge to myself that I only want to see it as a free and democratic country.

If you are of the reading type, I urge you to read some of Aung San Suu Kyi’s books. Her book “Letters from Burma”, a relatively slim anthology of articles she wrote for a Japanese newspaper, is a good starting point to learn about ordinary life in Burma, and how it is affected by the present military regime. She is a very good writer, and Burma almost leaps from the book’s pages. Her official website has a lot of historic and current information as well, and I find the reports on the site from recent visitors to the country especially interesting. Also reading Amitav Gosh’s “Glass Palace” is a good start to learn about Burma’s history in a very entertaining way.

I don’t know if you all have seen the recent news. There are mass demonstrations on Rangoon’s streets, because the people have had enough of the repressive rule of the military junta. The demonstrations were started by Buddhist monks, but ordinary people have quickly joined the protests. The police has tried to stop the protest by firing live ammunition. But people have regrouped, and so far every day has seen new protests.

I know it sounds very bleak, but I don’t think the Burmese people can expect much help from the outside world. Burma’s big neighbors, China and India, are more interested in the country’s rich oil and gas reserves than in the well-being of its people, and the US and Europe will probably just up the rhetoric a bit. I am hoping that the Burmese will be strong enough to bring change by themselves, and I am hoping that a few people in the military junta will go against their own and stop the current bloodshed.

In 1989, Aung San Suu Kyi was democratically elected as her country’s political leader. In the same year the Berlin Wall fell. Change can come very quickly and unsuspected. I hope that now is such a time in Burma, because I would like to visit sooner rather than later.

3. You’ve just joined the sensational new girl band ‘mamaya.’ what kind of music do we play? What is your place in the band? And what should we wear?

The new musical sensation “Mamaya” would play an eclectic mix of rock, jazz, and anything else that strikes our fancy and current mood. People would never know what to expect when going to our concerts. My place in the band wouldn’t matter too much, because I would need to be dubbed anyway. The only musical instrument I play is my stereo, and singing isn’t my forte either. Maybe with a little electronic magic, I could be a background singer?

So why did they choose me for the hottest band in town? Because my hair is wild and I can shake my ass to the beat. Also I am not afraid to get half-nekkid on stage. We all wear the sensational Lime dress in different shades and pair it off with some fancy Birkenstock thong sandals. When the crowd goes wild, we throw our Birkis into the audience, and dance barefoot.

4. What is your favorite book from your childhood and which character in it would you be?

When I was a child, I devoured every Astrid Lindgren book I could get my hands on, and my most favorite character was Pippi Longstocking or Langstrumpf, as she is called in German. I also loved the Swedish movie adaptations of the series. I wanted to be just like her, free-spirited, strong, and witty. Best of all, she didn’t have to take shit from grown-ups… one cool girl!

5. I see you have postsecret linked in your sidebar. What secrets on the site are you most drawn to?

There aren’t any special kinds of secrets that I am drawn to, I find them all very interesting. Everyone of us has secrets, and I find the idea of creating a place for them to be seen wonderful. I am hoping that the people writing to post secret get some solace and empowerment out of it.

I also find it fascinating to see the different human emotions shining through these messages, good and bad ones. I think most of these emotions are honest, and honesty is always interesting.

Thank you so much, Lime, for sending me these questions. I had so much fun answering them. If some of you would like to be interviewed by me, please tell me in a comment.