March 6, 2008

Ask Cosima

Category: ask cosima, underwater sex, sprichst du deutsch? — Cosima @ 10:16 pm

I have neglected my statcounter reports ever since the swell of people searching for “underwater sex” and “boobs underwater” became overwhelming. Never underestimate what one post can do for your google rankings! But last week, I had a look again, and - I admit it - a good chuckle or two. Some of these search terms call out for a response.

“smelly sock lovers” - Eeeeeeeeeew!

“what is tea flavoring, rats” - They put rats in tea? Double Eeeeeeeeeeeeew!

“i am underwater” - Good for you!

“what do you call it if you are stuck underwater and you cant breathe” - Not so good for you. I would call it a dicey situation at best, and drowning at worst.

“kien hair stylist” - Kien seems to be a jack of all trades.

“What are a dirndel?” - A dirndl is a traditional dress worn in Bavaria and Austria on special occasions, for example the Munich Oktoberfest. That’s when one million Germans and two million Americans sit in giant tents, drink too much beer, and try to yodel.

In the north of Germany (where I come from, can you tell?), wearing a dirndl draws the same attention as wearing a Trekkie costume.

Dirndls worn in Bavaria are OK, I suppose, but what I don’t understand at all is the southern custom of drinking beer out of gallon-sized glasses. Bäääh! The beer gets stale and warm. Southern barbarians …

dirndl.jpg

“how to ask for condom german hast” - Always glad to help :). It depends on the situation. If you are in bed with someone, who you know intimately, use the informal du: “Hast du einen Kondom?” (Do you have a condom?)

However, if you are in a shop asking a shop assistant, it’s better to use the formal sie: “Haben sie Kondome?” (Do you have condoms?) or “Wo finde ich Kondome?” (Where do I find condoms?).

Which reminds me of an AIDS-awareness-spot that was shown on German TV twenty years ago, and is now considered a classic :) … “Tina, how much are the condoms?”

“swedish word for from small hole” - Sorry, you are on your own with that one. I am only proficient in IKEA furniture names.

“cosima underwater” - You are at the right place :). Welcome!

“cosima lingerie” - I should have applied for a trademark.

“tall woman, little guys” - It happens. Don’t let it stop you from finding the love of your life. I know several couples who breach the conventions in that respect. They seem to be as happy (or unhappy) as couples who conform to the norm. I am 5′ 7 1/2” myself. Nicole Kidman (below) is 5′10 1/2″. To read the funny side of it go here.

nicole1.jpg

nicole2.jpg

“strong tall woman kills men “ - Gosh… there is the next Oscar winning performance for Nicole Kidman.

“japan clothed underwater sex” - The Japanese always seem to add an extra kinky twist to things and are very specialized in there preferences, don’t you think?

“minnie mouse underwater” - I hope this isn’t sexual. Here you go:

minnie-underwater.jpg

September 16, 2007

Underwater sex

Category: underwater sex — Cosima @ 10:14 am

Google is a highly inefficient search engine. Sounds snooty, I know, but I have proof. Every day people are directed to this blog, because they are googling “underwater sex” or variations of it (“naked woman underwater handstand sex”). For all of you I have a slightly disappointing message:

THIS BLOG HAS ABSOLUTELY NO PICTURES OR VIDEOS OF PEOPLE HAVING UNDERWATER SEX.

And I won’t do a handstand for you either. But do not despair, you will eventually find something on your internet travels. I did. Yes, I am curious, and lost my innocence in the process… lol.

There is this porn video of a couple doing it underwater for ten long minutes without coming up for air. Absolutely fascinating from a technical standpoint. How did they do it… fancy cutting, special training?

Like Mr. Letterman, I often ask myself “Will it float?”. In the case of silicone implants, I am not 100% sure, because they are attached to bodies, but it definitely looks like they want to drift upwards.

And to the guy with the how-to-website on giving dolphins a hand job: that’s just wrong.

For those of you, looking for advice on making a romantic sojourn in warm ocean or pool water a success click here. The site has tips on safe sex and lubrication. I know it sounds wonderful to make love submerged in water, but from experience I can tell you that a bit of preparation is necessary, even if you intend to leave your head above water. Water washes away natural lubrication, and it’s a good idea to have a bottle of water-resistant lube handy.

I racked my brain to find something sexy and wet to end my post, and remembered this video. It shows the delectable Dita von Teese doing her Martini glass routine with lots of splashing. For some reason it’s rotated ninety degrees, but it’s worth the stiff neck. Sorry, no rompy underwater porn, my editor is just too high-brow for that ;).